See that picture up there? Nope, that's not me. But in this strange world we have created you certainly could have walked into this blog thinking, "Damn Gina, she's got it all together. Even reading to her kids under a tree." Well my reality is much, much different.
I'm somewhat secretly writing this in hopes that it is a total hidden journal into my world to look back on some lonely days from now. But then again, I long for a blogger that I can honestly obsess over that makes me feel...well..normal. So maybe I can start a new trend instead of this weird world of perfection that is flashed in our faces even when our screens are blackened or the blue light has been turned down. Five months ago, I came across a YouTube mom that has a bundle of children, home-schools all of them, allows her husband to sleep in daily, loves playing with her kids, and (the worst part for me) is always so damn happy to do it all. *Enter rolling of the eyes with a slight gag.* My only concern the entire time I was engrossed by her daily life was, "why in the hell cant I be that way?"
As a woman especially a mom, don't you dare ever let those thoughts spring from your lips or your fingertips. You will get responses that leave you wondering if it truly is really okay to just do you.. "Everyone has their own strengths and struggles. You'll figure it out someday." or "Read this book, do this workout, be this product's ambassador, and wake up 2 hours earlier than everyone in your house to practice positivity, and all of your dreams will come true!" Ha! "Seriously, Becky, all I want is sleep and to poop in peace. Is that too much to ask? Dreams shmeams, I want balance and a heavy dose of down time without a single friggin sibling WWIII interruption."
I sit back and watch all of these women pretend like they love pushing themselves every waking minute into a world that is as shallow as a high school. We pretend it is all about mental health and well-being, hoarding time with our children, and creating fantastic marriages and friendships, but for those of us that live in immersed reality, NONE of that seems real! We become obsessed with other's worlds because let's face it, our world is so hard! To watch someone that can find time to workout daily and love it, embrace every chaotic minute with their children, cook their ass off like Gordon is on his way over, and find time for Jesus at the end of the day seems like a world that only can be created in the Matrix. Kuddos to the woman that love their world, have found their passion, and love blasting out sales pitches every 15 minutes via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube, yadda yadda, but honey, that sure as hell is NOT me. I need a village of women with daily doses of reality that actually live in reality! Not daily doses of reality that can be swept away by a quick social media post while they dive in to thousands of emails, reposts, and DM's pretending they are multitasking like they have super powers. Let's face it. With every blogger mom, Instagram mom, YouTube sensation mom, you name it, there should be a disclaimer on each and every page. To keep this short and to make my point, here is the reason for my blog posts... my disclaimer comes with full truth, an open heart, and my reality. Do I love every minute? Nope. Am I just trying to survive being a millennial mom in a time that we barely are able to create our own reality? Yup. Hopefully, I can find other mom's out there that live in my world as well. But if not, at least my mind can pretend I have a supportive audience that is living this existence in the same way as me. With some cottage cheese on the back of their thighs, no energy, too much on their to-dos, and barely any means to making it all come together. Of course, we survive.. but what is our cost?
I am a mom of 3 children, 5, 4, and 18 months. I am 14 weeks pregnant. I SUCK at pregnancy. I am 5' almost 1" which means at a little over halfway I become an oompa loompa that swallowed a baby whale. My husband and I have been married for two years, but together for 7. We go to counseling WEEKLY. We are total opposites. I was swept off of my feet and fell head over heels with very little responsibility or life being lived. Reality hit us hard after too many kids in a row, job changes, and realizing we don't make a ton of money as we once thought. It's been hard. We are trying to survive through it. I have 2 friends that I don't see often. I have acquaintances I see even less. I run my own family childcare business, that most people in society look upon as an easy, stay-at-home mom job. It's not. I've struggled with this career for almost 5 years, but do it for my family. I spend 24/7 with my kids. It isn't pretty or fun most days. I love them and will be grateful for this time in my life someday. I have severe anxiety. Like everyone is dying all of the time anxiety. I take medicine. I have suffered through PTSD, depression, and postpartum depression. Those will never go away, but I will survive through them. I'm round. Like not lumpy, but squishy...also, I find little interest in exercise, eating weird foods (like spinach salad), or joining groups of women that make wellness look so simple. It's not. It takes dedication and hard work, which I, without thought, only give to my family. I have no idea where my life went or when it will begin. But I know that I will survive through all of it. I am almost always proud of my realistic, analytical self (except when I watch one too many mom bloggers or read too many damn books). I thrive on honesty and living in realism. I'm logical, and definitely not an idealist. I'm too sensitive for the opinions of our world and our generation, but have high hopes to leave a footprint behind. In summary, I live on the hot mess express and I am damn good at driving the train. Just a Millennial mom in the making.
So....what is your disclaimer?